Wake up and Thrive
Bridget Covill is a Feminine Embodiment/ Relationship Coach, a wife, a mom of 4, and a Women's health RN sharing tangible tools to help you FEEL wildly turned on by life again. She is the CEO of Find Her Wild Coaching. In this space, we will apply holistic coaching tools to everyday moments that we deem hard. Instead of allowing these experiences to keep us stuck, we will lean into their lessons and let them wake us up. These tools will help you connect deeper to yourself, your purpose, and to the people in your life. Grab a cup of coffee, have something to take notes and keep an open mind. It's time....it's time to WAKE UP & THRIVE.
Wake up and Thrive
EP 81- Ego-Led Communication and Why It Doesn't Work.
The best predictor of a relationship is their embodied skills of communicating. Communication can make or break every relationship and especially in our marriages. Unfortunately, we live in a world that teaches us to communicate from our ego. This means letting this childhood part lead the conversation and bring judgement, blame, and criticism forward instead of your heartfelt need and desire. In today's episode, we examine the roadblocks of ego-driven dialogue and how it hinders the bonds we strive to build.
If you've ever felt misunderstood or struggled to articulate your deepest feelings, I see you. I experienced so many ruptures in relationships, including both romantic and in friendships. For most of my life, I thought 'speaking my truth' meant that I became very articulate at telling the other person what they did wrong. Everytime I made it about the other person, I was meant with defensiveness or stonewalling. I never actually got what I wanted. This style of communicating to protect instead of to connect! Tune in as we dive deeper.
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
Join us for an engaging FREE workshop where we examine the opposite style of communication. I am going to teach three essential skills for Heart Led Communication. You will walk away knowing how to communicate in a way that deepens connection even during conflict!
Register here!
This month's virtual breathwork journey is all about Opening Back to Love. Prepare to bust through your walls and remember how good love can feel. Get your spot here.
Let's Connect.
If you want to inquire about coaching and receiving support in helping you create stronger connections to yourself, your purpose, and those in your life email me your story here....bridget@findherwildcoaching.com
FREE masterclass: 3 Skills necessary to create intimacy in your marriage. Watch it here.
Free guide: 5 ways to find Calm: Get the guide here
Come find me on Instagram: @findherwildcoaching
Check out my website and my offerings here
Hi, my name is Bridget and this is my podcast, wake Up and Thrive. My intention for this space is to help women around the world live more awake, aligned and truly alive. I believe wholeheartedly that we are designed to live, feel and experience the full range that life has to offer, and in doing so, we can live fully turned on in all areas. My story began with sobriety and has since been an initiation into rediscovering parts of myself that I forgot about or had abandoned. Learning to reclaim all of who I am has been the greatest gift of living awake, and together we will go on a journey of helping you to do the same. You can expect to learn practical tools to help you connect deeper to yourself, your purpose and those in your life. All you need is an open heart and an open mind. So if you're ready, it's time. It's time to wake up and thrive. Hello and welcome back to Wake Up and Thrive. I hope you guys had a great week, great weekend.
Speaker 1:I don't know if you guys celebrate Valentine's Day, but we had a lot of fun In our family. We call it Happy I Love you Day and I've just. I think you know my program that I lead women through is called Let Love In. So much of what I do is helping women feel turned on by their life again, right, which requires a connection to love. So I've just let go of the story of it's a silly holiday, it's a Hallmark holiday. It's stupid, and I've really really just embraced. Why not, why wouldn't I just lean into a day, a national day, a holiday, where it's all about love? And it's just this reminder, this really good reminder, to pause and make sure the people in your life know that they love you and let's be honest, that gets to happen every day if that's what we choose. But so often we're so bogged down and we're so in our head and we're so disconnected from our heart that I think sometimes we need holidays like Valentine's Day. So that's just my little soapbox. If you didn't celebrate it and you buy into that story, that's stupid. Maybe next year it'll be a little different for you.
Speaker 1:And today, what I wanted to dive into with you guys is a little bit about communication. I am leading a free workshop this Friday, february 23rd. You can register in the show notes. It's completely free. We are going to be talking about three essential skills to help you communicate from your heart, because we live in a society, in a world that only teaches us how to communicate from our head, how to communicate from our ego. So that's what I want to do in today's episode I want to dive into what is our ego, how does it show up in our communication styles, so that you can mostly just walk away with awareness, because it always starts with awareness. You can't stop with awareness, which is why I want to invite you into my workshop.
Speaker 1:But let's start with just even identifying some of the ways, some of the sneaky ways, in which our ego shows up and tries to lead so much of our conversations. And the best way I can describe it if you are like I've never heard of ego, or maybe you've heard of it but you don't really understand what it is is about a political debate. What is the perfect illustration of an ego led communication? Somebody has to be right or wrong, somebody's better or worse, good or bad, it's very black or white. There's no room for two experiences. That is ego. And so, again, I know oftentimes our conversations are not that dramatic, but sometimes they are. And, to be completely honest, for years and years and years, that was the way that I communicated. So I am not sitting here on my high horse as somebody who is the best communicator. It is a practice. It is something I am constantly trying to reflect on, self-evaluate, take responsibility for and sort of shift, and as I have shifted the way I communicate, it is reflected back in my relationships. People communicate a lot clearly with me. There are open lines, right, it goes both ways, as I've learned to really give feedback, for example, from the heart versus attacking the other person. I've also been able to open that channel for people to give me feedback and it just creates intimate relationships, which is what I believe most of us want. I really do believe if you have a heart, you're created for connection. But if you have an ego, if you have a mind, if you have a human brain, it can be a struggle unless you understand these tools.
Speaker 1:So first of all, just a little backstory. I was the kid that would spend hours. Right, this was before social media. I clearly have a visualization of me as a kid in middle school in my basement on the landline Right. I remember like being so animated and wanting to walk around, but we didn't have wireless. That's how old I am, you guys. I'm old, right, I feel old, but I would spend hours talking to my friends, and I think some of my even childhood friends listen to this podcast. So if you're listening, I'm so sorry if you were the recipient of some of those communications, because what it was is I've always been a highly sensitive person We've talked about this before and if I would feel hurt or betrayed or triggered, I didn't have the awareness, I didn't have the tools, first of all, to process what was actually going on but then to turn around and communicate that. So instead I would spend hours on my landline downstairs communicating my truth and I'm holding air quotes.
Speaker 1:My poor communication was not from a lack of words. I have always been somebody that has too many words and always has something to say, right, and so my poor communication was really in that I thought communicating my truth was communicating what the other person did to me and how they could change. And can anybody relate to that? Anybody? I just got off the. I just ended with a one-to-one client.
Speaker 1:We had been together for four months and even just in her communicating her boundaries we were looking at like that's still communicating from your ego, and so what's going to be reflected back to you is people are going to go on the defense. People are not going to honor your boundaries, they're not going to understand what you truly need, or they're going to be the opposite. So they're either going to come back at you and attack and engage and you guys are going to have this heated discussion, if you will, where they're going to shut down and they're going to go away and they're going to be like I cannot be around this person. And that was what I found within my relationships. I'm like I don't get it. I'm being so open, I'm being so honest, like why aren't people wanting to engage with me? But when you communicate with your ego, when you are just trying to get the other person to see why they're wrong or why they're bad, you will never get a good reply, like you won't. You might get somebody who pretends like they're listening but has literally just checked out, but more often than not, you're going to get somebody that's going to come back because you're attacking their ego.
Speaker 1:And let's define what ego is right. So our ego is a part, it's a self centered part of our psyche. We all have this part of us and it all shows up. It shows up in different ways for each one of us, but it is responsible for our personal identity, our self image, and oftentimes we confuse the ego with our self, our true self. It is not our true self. It is a ego or, I'm sorry, it is a yeah, an ego centric, a self centered part of ourself. It is not the truest, highest version of ourself. That part of us is compassionate, is curious, is creative, is calm. Right, that's yourself.
Speaker 1:Then we Create this part that the whole goal is to make sense of the life and the world that we're interacting with, the people that we're coming in contact with. And in order to do that, it creates separation. Right, it creates separation, and that might look like we are better than those people there, better than us. It might look like, yes, it's very black and white, it is. It is showing up to a communication or, I'm sorry, showing up to a relationship With this idea that we're separate. So somebody has to be right. If somebody's gonna be wrong, right, somebody has to be good and someone has to be bad, and it's very much. Yeah, it's not, I mean, it's not heart centered, it's completely driven by this ego trying to protect you, trying to, and it's trying to protect you. This is kind of going a little deeper, but it is protecting your shadow parts. It's protecting those really vulnerable parts of you. So you can almost think of the ego like Like a guard right standing at the entry way to your heart. It is saying I don't want to sit on him or her to actually see what's going on and what you're actually experiencing and insecurities you're facing. So instead I'm gonna come out with my guns blazing.
Speaker 1:My parents used to always say they were referring to my ego, but they didn't know it. They would always say you bring and you bring a cannon to a knife fight and I did that with my words. I would show up like using my words and I could, I could poke at your deepest wound. I knew how to do it and I was really good at it and I would get really loud. Right and what it was is I was being Consumed by my ego in those conversations and they never went well. They oftentimes ended with either the relationship ending, somebody hanging up on me, but what ultimately also ended was I didn't get my needs met. I was not actually communicating my truth, I was just communicating from a place of ego. That says this feels really uncomfortable. So we need to fix it and that only way I know how to fix it is to make you wrong, you wrong, you bad. You know, as long as you're wrong and bad, I'm not wrong and bad and I don't have to actually look at these uncomfortable things that are coming up.
Speaker 1:The ego's primary objective is to seek approval, assert dominance and superiority over people. It pursues, like, endlessly pursues recognition and validation. So if you find yourself in those, in those conversations where you notice you are so hell bent on having them quote, unquote, see your truth, right, which really just means tell them, tell you that you're right. When you find yourself in that pattern of right, wrong, good, bad, yeah, like there has to be a winner in the conversation. Just know, just bring awareness. Like I'm not communicating from my heart, I'm communicating with my ego and I remember from this amazing podcast that I listened to, she said it would never go well and it doesn't. It never goes well, it really doesn't. So four things I want to just leave you with, just to further encourage you to a come to my workshop, but be to really understand, like, the dangers of communicating from your ego.
Speaker 1:First of all, it literally separates you from understanding and empathy when you are in your ego and you are communicating with your ego and you are communicating from your ego, you, it's impossible. Ego truly means like, if you are egocentric, you are focused on yourself. Right, that's how toddlers survive this world. They are focused on their needs and what they want in the moment and they ask for it in a very loud way, right? So we sort of need our ego because it drives us to pay attention to the self. It drives us to evaluate what, what is safe and not safe, what's toxic.
Speaker 1:But oftentimes, when you're in a communication with someone who is a good person it maybe is somebody that you do want to have a relationship with, or you have to have a relationship with them it is impossible impossible to access empathy and understanding of their feelings, their needs and their perspective. Which good luck having a good, solid relationship if you can't see their experience? Because there are always two experiences. In every single scenario, every single relationship, there are always two experiences. So ego centric communication really prevents you from even being able to see their experience at all. Right, even if you don't understand it, to even acknowledge that there is another experience. You can't do that when you're in your ego.
Speaker 1:Ego also is what creates the defensiveness and the aggression that can come out, because remember that ego is your identity, it's your self-image, right, it's not your true self, but it is the way that you see yourself and the way that you see yourself in relation to the world. And so if the ego feels threatened, it is a natural, it's actually biologically correct behavior that they come out defensive and aggressive, because you're not just attacking their story or their belief, like you really are. When you are communicating, both you and the other person you're communicating with, when ego is involved, you're talking about their identity. And when you attack somebody's identity I mean, unless they are just like a doormat they are going to come back at you. That is yes, yes, yes, biologically correct behavior. And so if you don't want that, if you're really wanting somebody in your life, whether it's in your marriage or in your family maybe it's with a mother-in-law, maybe it's with a boss if you're like they do not listen to me, like they just don't listen to me Then I would ask, because everyone's a reflection of ourselves, everyone's a mirror I would just ask are you communicating from your heart?
Speaker 1:Are you actually communicating the experience, or are you attacking their ego? Are you attacking their identity? So also, along with lack of empathy and understanding, right it also. It really does create an inability to listen when you are communicating from the ego and I know you guys probably already know this, I do think oftentimes we're quick to blame the other person as they're not listening to me. But I would ask how are you communicating it? Because if you're communicating from your ego, you're going to communicate directly to their ego and you guys, there's not going to be a lot of understanding, empathy, listening, because you're not actually expressing in a way where their guard is down. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:And then you know, the fourth biggest reason I want people to move away from communicating from their ego is that we want connection. I cannot tell you how many times I meet another woman and I'm talking to them and they're like I want deep friendships. I'm so sick of the surface level bullshit. I want more in my marriage, right? I want to have good, solid relationships.
Speaker 1:Well, my very first question is let's explore the way that you're communicating. When you show up, how are you communicating your truth? What do you define as your truth? Because without communicating from the heart, it's going to be incredibly hard to actually build meaningful connections, ego-driven interactions. They hinder that process of deep, authentic relationships, because in order to have deep, authentic relationships, you have to let somebody see your heart. And as long as you are communicating from the ego, remember that ego is the guard standing at the entryway to your heart. So, as long as you are communicating from that place, you're trying to make somebody right, trying to make somebody wrong Good, bad, black, white, right, a winner, there's a winner. It's going to be incredibly hard to open up your heart, and if you can't open up your heart, if you can't share your heart, you're not going to feel intimacy, you're not going to feel the deep connection that you're wanting. So, yeah, so that's just that's. That's a little bit about what it looks like to be showing up in your ego.
Speaker 1:And again, if you're listening to this and you're like I feel really called out, I want you to know you're in good company. This is not. It is a different language that I'm inviting you guys to learn. And so, with that being said, understand that whenever you're learning a different language, it takes time, it is messy, right. It is not something you can simply become aware of and then just start doing differently. It really does take specific tools and skills and a process, and I've seen, I've read a lot of communication books, I teach a lot of communication frameworks, but I think there are missing. There are missing pieces to communicating that I don't know At least, I haven't quite found the mentors, the authors, the experts out there that are explaining it in this way. So I'm excited about this workshop.
Speaker 1:I'm excited to just give you guys three skills that you can start working on on your own or within a group coaching program, one to one with a coach. However, however, you need the support you get to decide that. But what I really want to impart and give to you is three essential skills I wish I had when I started learning about myself and learning how I showed up in relationships and learning how to actually get what I want, get what I need, because that is the goal. We're not doing it in a manipulative way, but when you communicate from your heart, not only do you draw them in and they get to actually understand your experience better understand. You understand your heart and you will have a better understanding for what you need. I can't tell you how many women I work with that are like I don't even know what I need when I'm in that space. And so learning to communicate from your heart is is it's not just about telling the other person what you need, it's also about uncovering, like, what's actually going on right. Like thinking back to me in middle school had I had these skills and tools, I mean I wouldn't have spent hours and hours and hours attached to my landline and I wouldn't have created so much rupture in those friendships, because there would have been this openness and there wasn't an openness.
Speaker 1:Ego-centered communication is very much filtered through the lens of it's my way or the highway. There's only one right person here and we're both going to battle, right I'm. When I come into a conversation with my ego, I will trigger their ego. It's just the way. It's just the way we were designed. And when I trigger their ego, our hearts do not connect. You will not feel the connection that you are actually desiring and, more likely than not, you will not get what it is that you truly need. So that's my goal, that's my mission is when we learn to communicate from the heart, we can actually strengthen the connection, strengthen the intimacy, draw our people into us instead of kind of repelling them, but also we uncover so much more about ourselves when we're connected to our hearts.
Speaker 1:So it is all good stuff. It is, yeah, skills. That, again, I'm still practicing every day. I have to continue to lean into it and I'm excited to share it. I'm excited to share it all, so register below.
Speaker 1:And I also have such a special ask for you guys If you have a friend or family member maybe it's somebody you communicate with on a daily basis send it to them. Send it to them and invite them in. It is completely free and it is going to be packed with value, so I'm really excited. If you can't attend live, you will get a recording, so I hope I will see all of you guys there. I hope you have an amazing week and we'll be back next Monday. That wraps up this episode today. I hope you learned something new and or are able to take away a fresh perspective to apply to the moments in you, in your life. Remember to rate the podcast, share it with someone you love or leave a review. I'm always grateful for your time and I'm always rooting for you to wake up and thrive. See you guys next week.