Wake up and Thrive

095: Bridging the Gap Between Perception and Reality in Relationships

May 27, 2024
095: Bridging the Gap Between Perception and Reality in Relationships
Wake up and Thrive
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Wake up and Thrive
095: Bridging the Gap Between Perception and Reality in Relationships
May 27, 2024

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Have you ever felt a seismic shift in your relationships just by altering a deeply held belief? Join me, Bridget, as we traverse the transformative journey of questioning our inner narratives and the profound effects it can have on our bonds with others. With heartfelt candor, I open up about a period of personal realignment that led to a revelation in my family ties and intentions. We delve into the stories we construct about our loved ones and how a shift in perspective can lead to a path of more harmonious interactions. I pose the questions that might just unlock the door to understanding and reshaping the dynamics of our most challenging relationships.

Peek into the power of morning journaling in my life – a practice that has been a beacon in discerning the line between fleeting thoughts and entrenched beliefs. By shining a light on the subconscious scripts that direct our interactions, I'll guide you in recognizing how these perceptions can distort reality and affect our relationships. Drawing upon the wisdom of Byron Katie, we'll navigate through strategies that can help you question and observe the beliefs shaping your life. And that's not all – I'm excited to offer you a seat at my free masterclass, a treasure trove of intimacy skills crafted to deepen the connections that mean the most to you, from your spouse to your family members. Don't miss this chance to embark on a transformative journey toward enriched relationships, with tools and insights just an email away.

Grab my free intimacy masterclass here:

Don't forget to join us for our next breathwork class. LAST CALL. Register here. 

Let's Connect.

FREE masterclass: 3 Skills necessary to create intimacy in your marriage. Watch it here.
Free guide: 5 ways to find Calm: Get the guide here
Come find me on Instagram: @findherwildcoaching
Check out my website and my offerings here



Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Send us a Text Message.

Have you ever felt a seismic shift in your relationships just by altering a deeply held belief? Join me, Bridget, as we traverse the transformative journey of questioning our inner narratives and the profound effects it can have on our bonds with others. With heartfelt candor, I open up about a period of personal realignment that led to a revelation in my family ties and intentions. We delve into the stories we construct about our loved ones and how a shift in perspective can lead to a path of more harmonious interactions. I pose the questions that might just unlock the door to understanding and reshaping the dynamics of our most challenging relationships.

Peek into the power of morning journaling in my life – a practice that has been a beacon in discerning the line between fleeting thoughts and entrenched beliefs. By shining a light on the subconscious scripts that direct our interactions, I'll guide you in recognizing how these perceptions can distort reality and affect our relationships. Drawing upon the wisdom of Byron Katie, we'll navigate through strategies that can help you question and observe the beliefs shaping your life. And that's not all – I'm excited to offer you a seat at my free masterclass, a treasure trove of intimacy skills crafted to deepen the connections that mean the most to you, from your spouse to your family members. Don't miss this chance to embark on a transformative journey toward enriched relationships, with tools and insights just an email away.

Grab my free intimacy masterclass here:

Don't forget to join us for our next breathwork class. LAST CALL. Register here. 

Let's Connect.

FREE masterclass: 3 Skills necessary to create intimacy in your marriage. Watch it here.
Free guide: 5 ways to find Calm: Get the guide here
Come find me on Instagram: @findherwildcoaching
Check out my website and my offerings here



Speaker 1:

Hi, my name is Bridget and this is my podcast, wake Up and Thrive. My intention for this space is to help women around the world live more awake, aligned and truly alive. I believe wholeheartedly that we are designed to live, feel and experience the full range that life has to offer, and in doing so, we can live fully turned on in all areas. My story began with sobriety and has since been an initiation into rediscovering parts of myself that I forgot about or had abandoned. Learning to reclaim all of who I am has been the greatest gift of living awake, and together we will go on a journey of helping you to do the same. You can expect to learn practical tools to help you connect deeper to yourself, your purpose and those in your life. All you need is an open heart and an open mind. So if you're ready, it's time. It's time to wake up and thrive. Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode on Wake Up and Thrive.

Speaker 1:

I'm really excited about today's topic. I got a lot of good responses from the drama triangle that I was sharing yesterday, so today is also going to be about our relationships. But before we dive in, I just want to give a little update today, a little personal update Today is the last day for my kids' school and it's not even the end of May. Summer just like totally creeped up on us and they will all be home. So, going forward, what you can expect on this platform, you can. I will be posting three, possibly four, interviews for the month of June and then in July I will be taking off, taking off my podcast, stepping off of social media and just really being with my family, enjoying summer, realigning with what and how I want to show up best and serve people.

Speaker 1:

I've said this before and I'll just say it again you know, when things aren't working, I think we have two choices. It can be keep hustling and just try to change your mindset, and I think there's a time and place for that. Today we are going to talk about you know how powerful our beliefs can be, so I absolutely believe in that. Today we are going to talk about how powerful our beliefs can be. So I absolutely believe in that. But I will also say, if you are continuing to experience the same feeling, if you will, that we keep coming back to the same place of like I need to do something different, something needs to shift then the invitation really, really, really is to step away. Step away, get into nature, because I think again, when things aren't working, we just hustle and we continue to put energy outward. But the more I've been on my journey, I'm really realizing when I get in the space of like, ah, things are not working the way I want them to work or I'm not really feeling inspired. Stepping back and zooming out and actually doing less has been so much more beneficial for me, for my health, my mental, my spiritual health and it also really helps me regain clarity when I'm not working on my business, if that makes sense. Of course, I'll still be journaling every now and then, but that month of July I'm not going to be consuming a lot. I'm really just going to be sitting in prayer, sitting in meditation, being with my family, being outside and, yeah, just allowing space is really what it is. So if you find yourself in a similar season where you're like things need to change, yes, you can work on your beliefs and mindset, but also, if you've worked on your mindset and beliefs and it's still not shifting for you, take a step back, take space, give yourself permission to do that without throwing in the towel and quitting everything. So I'm excited for the space that I am giving myself. I hope you guys are also giving yourself space as well.

Speaker 1:

So today we're going to jump into how our beliefs impact our relationships. I want to talk specifically about the people in your life who maybe you either really desire or let's just say you have to be in relationship with them because they're family or you work with them, whatever it is, but they also trigger the crap out of you. Those are the people I want to talk about today. Do you know anyone like that in your life? Because I know I definitely do.

Speaker 1:

I have one relationship in particular, which I will keep private just for privacy sake, but one relationship in particular lately has had me literally on my knees in tears and in prayer, really reflecting, because I keep asking myself these two questions. This is what I keep coming back to One, how did we get here? And two, how do I shift us out of this dynamic? Because I really believe one person. Just like we talked about last week on the drama triangle, it takes one person to be willing to show up differently, to experience an entirely new dynamic. So how did we get here and how do I shift us out of this dynamic to a more supportive relationship for the both of us, because this is definitely a relationship. While currently in this season it is not my favorite relationship, it is one that really matters to me and is really, really important and that I'm committed to continuing to show up in. So I want to shift it right and I can play victim and I can say it's all her or I can really remember my power and take ownership for my role.

Speaker 1:

And so the answer that kept coming up for me when I asked myself these questions is my beliefs about this person. How did we get here? My beliefs about this person? How do I shift the dynamic to a more supportive relationship? By changing my beliefs about this person right. And so I started to look at my beliefs by paying attention to the story I was telling everyone about this person, because I don't know about you when there's someone in my life that is constantly triggering me and I can't actively have a conversation with them. I tend to shop my story, and I'm trying to get really good at this, but I still fall into this habit of shopping my story. I might talk to my husband or my mom or friends. Habit of shopping my story. I might talk to my husband or my mom or friends, and for me, particularly in this relationship, I've noticed I have been telling everyone who will listen about the situation and it is perpetuating my negative experience and I'm noticing that. So that's one place that you can just pay attention to. What are the story If you're like I don't know what I think about this person, pay attention to what's actually coming out of your mouth, because that is often a reflection of your beliefs. So what's the story that you're telling about these people? Right?

Speaker 1:

And then another practice that I would do in my morning journaling practice. I would just allow myself to dump all of my negative thoughts like no judgment, don't hold back. Put all your negative thoughts out of my mind and onto paper. Why? So? That I could actually. So this was a really interesting practice for me to do to watch the words that were coming out of my mouth when I talked about her, but also watch the thoughts on the page that I was just getting out of my mind and putting on a paper so that I could visually see them.

Speaker 1:

Because I've shared this before, but I'll share it again we have 60,000 thoughts running through our mind a day, all of us. That's just what our brain does. It's a well all of us. That's just what our brain does. It's a well-oiled machine. It just produces all these thoughts based on past experiences, based on society conditioning, based on what our senses are taking in all the input that we're getting. And so the thoughts themselves are not the problem, and we'll talk about that in a second. But what I want you to really know is that 95% of those thoughts are unconscious. They're not in our awareness, right? We actually cannot choose to show up differently unless we bring those thoughts, those subconscious thoughts, to our awareness.

Speaker 1:

So when I did this practice, I wasn't really surprised, but it was just valid. It was interesting to me because some of the thoughts that came out were she is so rude, she does not care about anyone but herself. She's so mean, she has a personal vendetta against me, right? Hello, didn't I tell you guys, I like to play victim? So that was one of my stories. She is selfish. That was another one, and the interesting thing was all of my beliefs so perfectly matched her behavior.

Speaker 1:

But here's the thing which came first my belief or her behavior? And this is a really interesting question to just think about. I really believe that her behavior could possibly be classified as normal given the situation. But it's getting very highlighted and amplified because of my beliefs, because my beliefs become the lens in which I see everything she says, does, doesn't say, doesn't do right. So I don't know, does that make sense? I don't know if I have a specific answer which came first my belief or her behavior. What I can absolutely say is that my belief made her behavior wrong. So that is something that I can take ownership for, I can take responsibility for, because then, when I made her behavior wrong, or even worse, when I make her behavior about me, what happened after that? How did I show up? And then, when I showed up, I honestly, when I believe she's mean, I either pull back or withdraw or I sort of come at her and I'm constantly nitpicking everything she does. So, honestly, I'm the one that ends up showing up mean. So it's really like one of those which came first the chicken and the egg. It doesn't really matter. What matters is that I can't control or shift her behavior. I can control and shift my belief, and they both have this like bidirectional impact on each other.

Speaker 1:

Okay, I want to define the difference between a thought and a belief, and then I'm going to introduce one of my favorite authors and her work to you guys. Maybe you're familiar with it. That's really going to help you start to sort of shift these beliefs. But first of all, so I've heard a lot of people say, like you just have to learn to control your thoughts. Well, you can't control your thoughts because, like I said earlier, we have 60,000 thoughts a day. So how are you going to control all of those? What you can do is control the ones that you latch on to, and that's the biggest difference between a thought and a belief, right? So I like this idea, like a thought is just words or sentences in your head about what's going on around you. It's our senses. Take in all of this input and we create a thought or a story about it.

Speaker 1:

Okay, a thought?

Speaker 1:

Well, actually I will. I'll quote my favorite author here. So Byron Katie is who we're going to talk about. If you guys aren't familiar with her, she wrote this book called Loving what Is. She was one of my I call her a mentor just because I'm obsessed with her work, but I really, really she was the first. She was the first book I read before I got into coaching, like truly, and then I went on like every single podcast. I went on this whole tour trying to find interviews with her, like I just absolutely love her.

Speaker 1:

But she says a thought is harmless unless we believe it. It's not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts that cause the suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it is true without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we've been attaching to often for years. Okay, so that's really, really important to remember because, again, when someone does something for the first time and you have this negative thought about them, that's not necessarily a belief. I want you to look at those relationships where you are having these repetitive patterns within the relationship, within the dynamic that is telling you, because it's going on, you keep experiencing the same thing over and over and over again. That is indicative that there's a belief there. Okay, so you know there's a belief. You're ready to start to look at it.

Speaker 1:

So you can either one do a mind dump, get them out on paper, or just simply observe the conversations you're having with yourself in the car, in the shower or with other people and start to just really observe. Holy crap, I didn't realize. This is what I thought about the person. That's a little bit how I felt, like I was aware of some of the thoughts. I was not aware of all of them until I actually did the journaling and really just gave myself five minutes to dump it all out there.

Speaker 1:

But then you're going to go down and I want you to ask these four simple questions with every single thought. Or you can look at the thoughts that you've written down and ask yourself which one is, which one do I believe is the most true in this season, which one feels the most alive? For me right now, maybe it's based on something that just happened or something that was just said or whatever. And then you're going to take that thought and you're going to ask yourself question number one is it true? The answer to that probably is going to be yes, which we'll talk about in a second, why that is. But then ask yourself it again Can you absolutely, with 100% certainty, know that it's true? Would everyone in the world look at this person and say she's rude or she's mean or she's selfish, or whatever your beliefs are about the people in your life? That's when you start to go. I don't know, maybe it's not true, right, but maybe some of you are holding on for dear life to that belief and you still answer that yes.

Speaker 1:

And going to number three Okay, how do you react when you believe that thought? How do you show up right? This is sort of what I described for me. When I believe she is mean, I show up, mean, right. So what about for you guys? When you believe, let's say, someone in your life is judging you I get that one a lot from my clients what transpires after that? How does that make you feel? And then, how do you show up? What do you do? Do you end up judging them right? It's just interesting. It's a really interesting thing to see. The way you show up is almost always a reflection of your belief. Actually, it is a reflection of your belief.

Speaker 1:

And then question number four who would you be without the thought? And this is where you get to just start to open up your mind Because, remember, the beliefs are the narrow lens in which we look at the world. It's the narrow lens in which we see the people in our life. So, in order to widen that lens and see if there's oh, is it possible that I'm wrong? This is a really good question, because you start to now, step outside of your current experience and start to explore oh, what would it look like if I actually believed she wasn't being mean? If I believe she wasn't being rude, right? If I believe she just talks like this to everybody, or whatever it is, or if I believed he's actually not judging me, right? Who would you be without the thought and how would you show up differently in the relationship? So the four questions again are is it true? Can you absolutely, with 100% certainty, know it's true? How do you react when you believe that thought? And then, who would you be without the thought? I also just want to plug this in there, because it was really helpful to me when I was learning this.

Speaker 1:

My mentor once said your unconscious beliefs it's almost like allowing. So. These beliefs were oftentimes created in our first seven years of life. Truly, it was created based on our experiences, based on our interactions with our caregivers, and we take these beliefs into our relationships as adults. And so if you think of these beliefs as driving your behavior same thing as driving your bus, right, would you allow a child to drive the bus? No, you would ask the child how old they are. You would ask if they've had any experience driving, you would inquire before you just handed them the keys. So it's the same thing with our beliefs.

Speaker 1:

If we have that many beliefs running through our mind constantly, we have to be doing our due diligence to actually get to know them, to actually assess whether they are accurate or whether they are even serving us to where we want to go. Are those beliefs the ones that we really want driving the bus when it comes to this relationship? And if not, we get to intentionally choose whether or not we want to keep it. We intentionally decide which beliefs we latch onto. Okay, so I do want to offer you guys another, a fifth question that you can throw in there if you are struggling to really move beyond the questions about is this true? Because here's the thing our beliefs create our experiences, and our experience will always confirm our belief. This is something called confirmation bias, if you've never heard that before, but what it basically means is that our brain looks for evidence to confirm the beliefs that we hold true. It's almost like how we stay safe, in a way, and even if the belief is not serving us, and so that's where we actually have to be super diligent, right at looking at our thoughts and be really intentional on which ones we want to keep or not.

Speaker 1:

Because here's the thing, it really doesn't freaking matter if the belief is true or not, it doesn't. What matters is and here's the question is it serving your ultimate desire for that relationship? So if you have, let's just say, a family member, for example, right their blood, they're not going anywhere. You feel like you just have to have this relationship with them. But they're extremely toxic. Okay, according to your beliefs.

Speaker 1:

But if you ultimately want a relationship with them, my question to you would be does believing that they are toxic serve that desire? Does it help create a close relationship or an authentic relationship? Right, whatever it is that you ultimately want, does that belief match that experience? Because, remember, your beliefs create your experience. Close relationship or an authentic relationship, right, whatever it is that you ultimately want, does that belief match that experience? Because, remember, your beliefs create your experience. So if it doesn't, intentionally, at least just say no, right, that belief is not going to create what I ultimately want. So I am willing to be wrong about this. I am willing to start to question it, start to kind of loosen my grip on it and see what else is available, Okay, and this really is like incredible news.

Speaker 1:

It gives you so much power back when you start to see how your beliefs really can take shape in your relationships. So, for example, in my relationship that I was referring to, instead of believing this person is so mean, maybe I just start believing she's different than me. Or I even just say her behavior is confusing to me, instead of labeling it and judging it as rude or mean, because that brings just a whole nother dynamic right. When I believe someone's being rude and mean, I go on the defense. I do. I just show up in different ways. But if I believe her behavior is a little confusing or I just don't understand it, I wonder what it's about. Right, then I start to get more into curiosity versus judgment. I start to be a little bit more open into learning about her and, trust me, easier said than done. But that's just an example of how you don't have to go from she's so mean to she's so nice. You can find little bridge thoughts right, and if you have one, you're really struggling to sort of turn around.

Speaker 1:

I would highly recommend getting Byron Katie's book, because not only does she give you the four questions, but she gives you four different ways to turn it around. I'm not going to go through those on today's episode, but I'll link her book in the show notes. Grab it. It's a really good guide and I think it'll be incredibly helpful for you. Okay, so that is what I have for you guys today, and I really want to invite you to bring up that relationship and either pay attention to the conversations you're having with yourself, right, or with other people, or do the mind dumping and then, taking the thought that is the most alive for you, run it through these four questions and see what shifts, see what new insights you have, what new perspective, or maybe you just feel a little less attached to that thought. That's really the goal. Like we can become so attached to our thoughts that we literally think it's reality, when it really is just our belief and what we are holding true. So, yeah, this has been incredibly helpful for me in my own life and I hope it serves and supports you. If it did resonate, I would love it if you would rate the podcast, leave a review and tell me what's really landing for you guys, or share it with a friend, or share it on social media and tag me so that I can give you a shout out.

Speaker 1:

And what else do I have for you guys? Oh, last thing is I have I have created a brand new freebie that I will put in the show notes. It is a free, pre-recorded masterclass where I am sharing the three necessary skills to create intimacy in your marriage, but, honestly, in any relationship. You can apply this to friendships, you can apply this with your kids. These three skills will be like a roadmap for you so that you can really understand, you know where your work is, where you get to really lean into and dive deeper, and all the things. So grab that today Again, once you sign up, you will immediately get the pre-recorded masterclass sent to your email. You can watch it on the go. So that's it. I hope everyone has a great week and I'll see you guys next Monday.

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Free Intimacy Skills Masterclass Available