Wake up and Thrive

EP75- What Men Really Want

December 18, 2023 Bridget Covill
Wake up and Thrive
EP75- What Men Really Want
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

In today's episode this week, we are looking at What Men Really Want. Oftentimes our source of frustration and irritation with the men in our lives, especially our husbands, stems from a misunderstanding of their gift and who they are at their core. I teach women how to create polarity, and by definition, you must have two different and opposing energies. I hope this episode helps you better understand your husband!

If you want to take this a step further and actually learn how to respond to them in a way that serves the both of you then check out my new group program, Let Love In! In just 6 weeks, you will not only deeply understand your husband, but you will also deeply understand your own patterns. You will learn why you struggle to let go of control and how to actually learn to let go and trust again!

*** Early bird pricing has been extended until after Christmas. You can join as a discounted price until December 27th!

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Speaker 1:

Hi, my name is Bridget and this is my podcast, wake Up and Thrive. My intention for this space is to help women around the world live more awake, aligned and truly alive. I believe wholeheartedly that we are designed to live, feel and experience the full range that life has to offer, and in doing so, we can live fully turned on in all areas. My story began with sobriety and has since been an initiation into rediscovering parts of myself that I forgot about or had abandoned. Learning to reclaim all of who I am has been the greatest gift of living awake, and together we will go on a journey of helping you to do the same. You can expect to learn practical tools to help you connect deeper to yourself, your purpose and those in your life. All you need is an open heart and an open mind. So if you're ready, it's time. It's time to wake up and thrive. Hi, welcome back to Wake Up and Thrive. I am so excited how popular last week's episode was. I heard from old friends, I heard from family members, I heard from random people on the internet that A didn't know I had a podcast and B just was like like the overwhelming review I got was oh my God. First of all, thank you for articulating what I've been trying to articulate and, secondly, thank you for making me feel like I'm not alone, because I've been inadvertently kind of feeling like, yeah, like I just can't be happy. Why can't I just be happy? And so giving language and validation almost to what the feminine wants, I think was really refreshing for a lot of people. So today is part two and I'm going to try to jump in as soon as possible, because so today we're talking about what men really want, and it's funny, you know. Of course, naturally, I sent last week's episode to my husband, as I hope many of you guys did as well, and he listened to it and listen. My husband loves me, he supports my business completely. He does not listen to every podcast. He's not my ideal client. I don't take it personal, it is what it is. I don't listen to his podcast, but he listened to last week's episode and immediately he had feedback for me and I was like, did you not just listen to the first thing that women want? Right, we want to be heard. I don't want to be fixed, I don't want your freaking feedback, but he had really good feedback and it helps me transition into what men want, because he's so clearly depicted what they want. And he said hey, my biggest feedback is I feel like you take a little bit too long in the beginning to sort of get to the point. I was like anything else. Thanks so much for that feedback. And I know he's right, I sometimes can get on a tangent. This is why I love to be in person besides a computer screen. But I'm coming around to it, I'm starting to really, yeah, I get fueled up when I hear from my listeners. That makes me feel like we're sort of interacting. So keep it up, keep keep letting me know what's resonating, what you want. More of. That really, really motivates me. And I know as women we can struggle to get to the point right. We can sort of get off on our tangent and lost in the details, and so I just thought it was super ironic, super funny. I was like, oh my God, I could not have, I could not have set this up more perfectly. So with that we're going to dive into what men want, and I will already warn you the list is going to be shorter than what women want. This episode will be shorter because, god love them, they're pretty simple, you guys. They really are Okay. So, number one, men want clear and direct communication and ironically, if you remember last week, women want men to just know. We just want them to read our mind, read our body language, all the things, and what I will say is there's a difference between our men sort of attuning to where we are and actually understanding it, like oftentimes, paul will sense that I'm overwhelmed, he will sense that I need a break, but he really won't know completely what it is that I need unless I specifically ask for it. And this is one of the very things I will be teaching you specific language to use. That it's going to be like what's going to be magic, first of all, but secondly, it's like their antennas just immediately go up and they are drawn to you. Where they get lost and almost sort of shut down, withdraw, is the details. They get lost in the details and women love details. The feminine is very good at multitasking and jumping from task to task, story to story, detail to detail, and our men are not like that. I think I've heard it one time like the woman's brain is like spaghetti and the man's brain is like waffles. It's very compartmentalized and I used to think this was a dig at men, but it really is their gift. Men like clear and direct communication because they are mission driven. They love a beginning, a middle and an end. They love to know where they're going, why they're doing, what they're doing Like. Just think about, have you ever had your? You know, maybe you as the feminine being, as the woman, you have this like wild idea to get something done in the house and you've got the vision in your head. You can't, you're not really able to articulate it or communicate it, and he is not on board until he understands exactly what we're doing, why we're doing it and when we're going to be done, so he can go watch football, right? Has anyone experienced that with their, their spouse? It's not that they don't care, it's not that they don't want to help. It's that they need clear and direct communication and with that they need an ending. So learning to communicate in a very clear and direct way it's foreign for many women and it's also a lot of times, the missing piece. So it's one of my favorite things to teach. It's been one of the most impactful areas in our life Me learn, and it don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean sometimes I don't get lost in the details. I'm even doing it again right now. I'm two minutes into the very first thing men want, but it's okay, specifically when you're trying to ask your partner for something. That is where clear and direct communication is so necessary and not very easy to do. I recognize that. Now. Number two men want to be respected, and I say this sort of lightly because women want to be respected. Every human being on earth wants to be respected, right? Men need need respect in order to be fueled to continue on their mission, to be fueled to continue to show up whatever it is, whatever they are doing in the relationship, they their like our battery gets recharged by rest. Their battery gets recharged by respect. Let me say that again, we get recharged by rest, self-care. They get recharged by respect. It's an immediate energy boost and this actually was validated for me. I was interviewed on a male coaching peers YouTube channel the other day and we were talking about masculine, feminine dynamics and I was explaining. You know, part of what I teach women to do is how to really soften, because I think oftentimes the way that we communicate right can be filled with details. But it's also incredibly disrespectful. It's criticizing, it's condescending, it's controlling. It's like, it's almost like this energy of like are you fucking kidding me? You can't figure this out and I am guilty of this? Oh my gosh guilty of it. But when I mentioned to my friend like that I teach women really how to be respectful in the way that they talk, in the way that they approach him, he immediately was like, yeah, yes, like this is such a problem. It's a problem in the society we live in today, where women are. We're focused so much on equality and independence that we have lost our respect and our honoring nature for men. And I'm sitting on the other side. Not only am I married to a great man, I have three boys, I'm raising three boys. I refuse, refuse to model to them that this is normal, that it's normal for women. I don't want them to get into a relationship and have their girlfriend or wife treat them the way I treated their dad the first decade. I really don't. It actually breaks my heart to think what was modeled to them and I'm working endlessly, entirelessly, to sort of rewrite that. So respect, respect, respect. And you know you're not being respectful if you're showing up with one of four of these C's, if you're showing up controlling, criticizing, condescending, or if you're closed off, meaning you're not communicating, you're giving kind of the silent treatment or the passive aggressiveness you know, rolling your eyes. These are all ways that we naturally and by default disrespect our husbands, and what we don't understand is that it's repelling them. It is actually making it that much harder for them to show up in the way that we need. So learning to soften and really come back to your natural state, which is nurturing, not mothering, not mothering, not like looking over his shoulder, but really nurturing and honoring. And again, I told you, I have listened to many interviews of men say the same thing that this is, this is really all they want. I think many of us hear it, at least this, this was what I heard from my husband. I used to hear I just want you to be happy and I was like holy fucking shit, that's a lot of pressure, but I think what he was really saying is that when I'm happy, I'm respectful. So men want respect is number two. Number three is sort of a playoff that men want their leadership to be respected but, more importantly, to be trusted. So oftentimes they're not stepping up in the way that we desire them to because they're met with one of those four C's, they're met with being told that they're doing it wrong or they're bad or they're lacking in some way Right, and when they have a core need for respect, do you think they're going to step onto that landmine, which is your wrath, the wrath that the feminine has, which can be powerful. But oftentimes we detonate that wrath on our husbands and we're like why aren't you stepping up to lead us? Well, frick, I mean, when I step up, I basically get a grenade thrown at me like no, thank you, and oftentimes this is very subconscious on their end. But it is something that I go back to how powerful the feminine is, how we are the thermometer in the relationship and we can immediately shift the energy by simply learning to soften, by simply learning to trust in his process, trust in his leadership and even saying the words. The words I trust in your process. I have said this to Paul a lot like when I will give him. So. For example, we have a lot of medical bills coming in with what we were experiencing with my son. He's completely fine, but you know there's a lot of medical bills from ER visits and whatnot, and I asked him for help Instead of sitting back and passively just being annoyed that I was stuck with it. I very clearly and directly said hey, this would be incredibly helpful. Can you take this bill, call the customer service, give them the insurance, all the things. And he I know Paul and he will most often call me and ask me 10 million questions, which just irritates me. So I gave him the thing and I just said, hey, I've never called this place before so I don't really know how to do it, but I really trust that you can figure it out. And he was fine with it. He took it, he didn't do anything. He didn't call me, he didn't include me in any of it. He updated me afterwards. It was like complete ease and I really, I really do. I really do think he was less likely to reach out for support from me when I said I completely trust you, I trust you, you'll figure it out. Let's meet back tonight and talk about it. So trusting in their leadership is huge. Number four men want to be admired for what they do, and this quality kind of goes in line with respect. But it's one that we will nurture again in my new group program Let Love In. So many of us women feel like we are spread thin and the thought of patting our husband on the back for something he should already be doing right, the dishes, the kids, whatever, whatever it is that you think he should already be doing it feels very annoying and it feels like overkill to have to be like hey, babe, I love when you do that, thank you so much. But the truth is, remember going back to clear and direct communication. If they don't know what they're doing is working, they're not gonna do it again. They are very efficient beings and they are not gonna waste their time doing things that are not getting a good result for either them or the people in their life. So let them know. Make sure to pause and say, like when I was on our marriage retreat, we were given two words to say to our husband anytime he does something we love, anytime he touches us in a way that we love, anytime he surprises us or helps out around the house, and all it is is more please. And so I'll come up and I'll like lightly touch him on the shoulder and I'll just be like more please, right, and just play with it. Or if that feels a little weird and woo-woo, you can literally just say this is a way to admire him. Like I love that you are getting up and walking every day, I love that you are meal prepping, I love that you're doing all this extra stuff at work, like I see you, I love that about you, I love that you come home and you're so present with our kids after a full work day. Like, thank you. So it's very simple, you guys, but it will elicit something in them that is magical. It really is magical and, again, it's not in a manipulative way. It's what we should be doing anyways. But we have become so hardened as women, like our hearts are so hardened. We are so spread then we are so burnt out, we are so overwhelmed that, like I said, stopping and actually noticing what they're doing, when we're over here drowning, being like does anyone see us? And I'm telling you, if you can pause and admire them, what you will get from them is support times 10. So, again, they are not mind readers, but when they do something that's really working for you, let them know that they will respond to admiration. Number five is men want to be desired physically and many of you are like duh. But you guys, this isn't about physical. It really and this was something I had to learn with Paul, because he's not very verbal of like that he never once has said, yeah, I want to be desired physically. But for a really long time I stood on the side of thinking it was just about being physical Like he, I would say some really awful things to him. And so if you have or are saying awful things to your husband in that regard, like, remove the shame and the guilt, because I get it, I really get it. I've been there. What I will tell you, what allowed me to soften in this area was to see it wasn't a physical act for him. It was just the same way that I want to be pursued and chosen remember from last week because it does something emotionally. It creates safety for me, creates intimacy and connection. It's the same way for these men, for our men. When we initiate or come up and hug them or tell them they look sexy, or just send them a sweet text during the day, like can't wait to see you wink, wink, wink, it does something for them. It really does. They want to be desired, they want to feel desired. They might not have the vulnerability language to actually communicate that, but I promise you, they want to be desired and the way that they feel the most desired is physically. So whether it's admiring them for something they're doing physically like I love your haircut, I love the way you're working out, walking, whatever it is or if it's just more touch, and it doesn't have to be sexual touch, it can be non-sexual touch, but they love to be desired and know that you want them. Because a lot of the men that I talked to and this was how Paul used to feel he literally felt like I hated him and I didn't hate him. I never have hated him, but I was acting like I did. I was acting like everything he was doing, from the things he would say, the way he would show up to, the way he was breathing I would pretend like it or not pretend. I amplified my irritation that he not only felt disrespected, he felt like I didn't love him, he didn't feel desired at all and it created a huge rut in our relationship. So actually, in my group program, one of the first simple, simple exercises I will have you do is going to be to invite your husband to do something with you. And the amount of resistance my last group, the last group of women that went through this. The amount of resistance that they experienced was wild. I wasn't expecting it, but what it did was it really put them in the position of their husbands. So how often do our husbands try to show their desire for us and we just reject them or we're like go away, like irritation, repel, and what that feels like for them you won't know until you actually put yourself in that position. So a lot of times these women, when I gave them their invitation and empowering action step to invite their husband into doing something and it wasn't sexual related at all they were like oh my gosh, this is so awkward, I don't know if I can do this. And I was like exactly how do you think they feel on a daily basis, always being the one to initiate, always being the one to invite us into doing something physically? So it was really really wild. But yeah, men want to be desired physically. That's number five. Okay, so number six. Number six is men desire freedom, and this core need or core desire is really related to what I talked about last week how women desire more love. Our gift to the relationship is noticing when the connection is off or there's a lack of love and really kind of bringing him back into love, bringing him back into his heart. And I used to get annoyed by this because I was always the one that would notice the disconnection more and I used to make it mean he didn't care. But now I see it as that's my gift. My gift to the relationship is always going after more love, like always, even learning polarity and learning all of the tools that I've learned, I still want more love and I know there's more coming, like I know there's more available for us and every. I don't feel like Paul and I have arrived. I am going to constantly be searching and yearning for more love, not in a way that he's lacking, but just that. That is my mission, that is my gift, that is the thing I'm focused on. And men men really, really, really desire freedom in the same way that we desire love, and so freedom might look like needing to, needing space, needing to go out and go out in nature, go hunting, go for a long drive, go golfing, go be with their boys, like whatever it is for him. I know in our relationship Paul used to feel bad to ask for things, and rightfully so, because I made him feel very bad, like are you kidding me? You want to go golfing for five hours when I've been home with the kids. But they need it. They need it Like I get a different version of him when he gets to do that, that sort of stuff. So men desire freedom and that will always be something that he will be seeking. Just like you're always seeking more love. He's seeking more freedom, and it doesn't have to come at the expense of love. So his freedom doesn't always have to mean time away. Sometimes, within the relationship, the freedom he is desiring is that he gets to show up in the way that feels really good for him. So a perfect example of this in my relationship is on the weekends I am home. During the week, for the most part, I work in the hospital. Sometimes I'm working on my coaching business, so I'm busy, but I, for the most part, I'm home. So on the weekends I want to do stuff. Well, paul is out working and on the weekends he would love to just sit down and just veg out and relax. And we would. We would bump up against each other because I wanted more love and connection and adventure and all of that. He wanted freedom to just do what he wanted to do. And so freedom can also look like not trying to change your man, not trying to control him into showing up or desiring the same things that you desire and really seeing him for who he is. You know, and I love to think of like old, like not old, because I'm sure they still practice it today, but a lot of like traditional Native American cultures would send their men out, and I know you guys have heard this, I'm not super eloquent in knowing the name of it, but they would send them out on freedom missions, essentially, where they would go out in the woods by themselves, no food, no water, and it was like this rite of passage for men to really be free, free to show up in this world as they are, to show up fully, to voice their desires. So, yeah, I think that all and we've lost that right. Like we don't send our boys or our men out into the wild anymore Nobody does that but the core need and desire of freedom still exists for many women. So, as a woman, we can encourage that desire by not first of all stifling him literally when he's home, in trying to make him fit into this little box on how we think he should show up, but also encouraging him to take that time away, to take the time away from you, away from the family, away from any requirements, right, any chores, and just to be free to do whatever it is that lights him up. That's really, really huge for them. Okay, so I hope you guys are learning a little something. I hope this is connecting dots for you guys. I hope you send it to your husband so that he can also feel, maybe, how some of you guys felt last week a little bit of validation in what it is that you desire, because that's the really. The first step is really claiming and owning what it is that we want, instead of making us wrong. So the last one is also one of the most important important aspects about men and the masculine. So the masculine wants and needs to empty. They need a release. Okay, women want to fill up with more and we can see this if we look at, first of all, just like a male office, like an office. Like if I go to my husband's office, versus if you come into my office, I am filling every single shelf up with details and pictures and quotes and every drawer is filled. They're somewhat over filling, but when you go to a man's office, it's like, unless they're woman, unless their wife has decorated their office, usually there's like very minimal stuff, like they don't need a lot, they prefer not a lot, no clutter, because they like and they need empty emptiness. They need a deep sense of emptiness and men desire to release and experience emptiness and sometimes this will manifest just in their office or the shelves or the walls around them. Okay, I think it's like a beautiful metaphor. I think I read that in David Dita's book, the Art of the Superior man. Highly recommend it. So this also happens sexually, where when a man has an orgasm, he empties, he releases and then he usually could go take a nap right, whereas when a woman orgasms, she is filling up with that energy, that life force, energy, and a lot of times we want more connection, we have more energy afterwards. So this can be like a place of discord for a lot of relationships, until you actually first of all communicate what it is that you need, because, again, they assume that we feel the same way they do when we have an orgasm, but that's just not. It's not. That's not always the case. So making sure that you're communicating that but also not taking it personal. Not taking it personal because it is a core need of theirs to like. Another way to think of it is when they're at work. When they're at work and they are mission driven, they are focused on the task at hand. When they come home, a lot of times they'll go to their phone or they'll go upstairs and take a 30 minute poop, because they have this deep need to empty, to release, to literally go into a state of emptiness. And I joke about this all the time with my husband because I used to say to him you literally are the only person I know that when I ask you what you're thinking of and you say nothing, you mean it. You literally mean it. And it's a joke between us, between me and him even like his best friend says yeah, paul's like that. But the truth is this is all masculine men. Masculine men can go into a state of emptiness. They can be so like zoned out in watching a game or being out in nature, like whatever it is that lights them up, and they truly can be in complete emptiness, whereas most of the time women are. You know, we might be out in nature, but we more than likely are also thinking about what we're going to meal prep or buy the groceries or who calling a friend. We're doing more, we're seeking more. They want emptiness and this is something to just keep in mind if you are highly in your masculine energy, knowing that you need a transition time of emptiness to really sort of step into whatever you're stepping into, to be fully present, it's huge. It's so important and I know it's a source of I know women take this personal a lot of times, so understanding. It has been really really helpful that when I give him time to release, when I give him time for emptiness, where I'm not standing over him, you know, telling him what he needs to do, I'm giving him freedom. Like I'm meeting all of these corneeds. I end up getting a more present and attentive husband in return. So I'm like fricke, yeah, take all the space and emptiness that you need, right? So that is all that I have for you today. I hope that I represented the masculine in a positive light and I hope that I was very clear and direct in really sharing A how simple they are, but also, more than anything, how different they are from us, and that that's a beautiful gift. It's a beautiful. It is what creates polarity. Literally, the definition of polarity is two different poles. So we have to have these differences and the more that we can learn to admire and sort of accept them and see the gift in it, the ease, I'm sorry. The more that we can admire and see the gift, the easier it is going to be to accept it but also to allow what it is that they need to ultimately fuel you for what it is that you need or fuel the relationship. So I hope it was helpful. I hope you had some aha moments. I want to do a quick recap and then I want to just end with a little bit sharing a little bit more about my group program. So seven things that men want Men want clear and direct communication. Number two men want to be respected. Number three men want their leadership to be trusted. Number four men want to be admired for what they do. Another way to think of it as words of affirmation is huge. Number five is men want to be desired physically and this can be sexually or non-sexually. Numbers like go give your husband a five minute hug. He will be like oh my word. Number six men desire freedom. And number seven men desire emptiness and a release. So that's all I have for you guys today. I hope those of you that are listening, who want to experience more transformation within your marriage, who want to understand the masculine so much more so that you can learn to really show up in your feminine, which involves you showing up soft. It involves you showing up with an open heart. It involves you learning to admire him again instead of being always irritated, and actually receive his gestures, receive his love, receive his abundance, everything that he has to give you. Oftentimes he's giving it. It's just bouncing off of our walls. So, coming into my group program, it's a six week group coaching program for married women. It is called Let Love In. I am so freaking pumped about this. I taught a version of it a shorter, condensed version last summer and the women that went through it they had amazing breakthroughs and a lot of times. Actually, it was really funny. Maybe I shared this last time, but in our private Slack channel, one of the women actually said like is it really this simple? And the truth is, yes, it's this simple and it's not because we have spent years and years and years armoring up, putting on this thick wall around our heart, and that is the problem. It's not the way that he shows up, it's, I mean, both and, but almost always it's the fact that we have walls around our hearts so we're not willing, we're not able to actually see him. And the way he shows up as a gift, we see it as a threat. So in my six week group coaching program we're going to go through all of it and it's going to be amazing. I'm going to give you guys actual tangible tools that you can apply in your marriage and in six weeks you're going to experience a completely, completely transformational experience. I can promise you that you will be stretched to do things out of your comfort zone while also allowing this stretch to really impact the way that you see your husband. Like I was talking about a lot earlier in my first big invitation that I will have for you early in the program. So I'm really excited about this. So I have extended, decided to extend, early bird pricing until after Christmas. So it will be extended until December 27th, because I understand this time of year is crazy and I don't want anyone to feel pressured to join or pay or any of the things. So early bird pricing is extended to December 27th. I really hope if you're hearing anything in this episode that is resonating or you want to learn more about. I really want to invite you to put your marriage at the top of your priority list this Christmas season and choose to invest. I have pay and full options. I have payment plans available. You will be getting a free curated breath work session, plus the first 10 women that join get four of my most popular workshops all for free. Just for saying yes. So listen to that yes, and I hope to see some of you in there and reminder I am going offline until January 10th, so I will be back with a powerful episode January 10th and those interested in my group program, we will start the next day, on January 11th. If you are a married woman and you know that your husband maybe is a little hesitant about programs like this or even investing money in this time, send him this episode and go and give him just a huge 30 second hug and tell him one thing that you love that he's doing in your life, and just leave it at that. Let him listen to the episode, let him listen to this invitation, let him now know why you went and gave him a big hug. But, more than anything, this is a gift that you are not just giving yourself. This will have a ripple effect on your husband, on your kids, on the people that you interact with on a day-to-day basis. When we are operating from our core energy, when we are showing up soft and open, people just love you and the universe loves you and God loves you and things magic starts to happen. I can promise that. I've witnessed it in my life and in my clients, and it's such a gift and an honor to lead people back to that place. So I hope to see some of you there. If not, I will see you guys next week. On January 10th, I will be back with a powerful podcast episode and then January 11th, we will kick off this new group program. All right, all. Have a great week, have a great holiday season. See you guys in a few weeks. That wraps up this episode today. I hope you learned something new and or are able to take away a fresh perspective to apply to the moments in your life. Remember to rate the podcast, share it with someone you love or leave a review. I'm always grateful for your time and I'm always rooting for you to wake up and thrive. I'll see you guys next week.

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Understanding Men's Core Desires
Understanding the Masculine Energy