Wake up and Thrive

Judging Less, Learning More: A Journey Towards Understanding and Connection

July 10, 2023 Bridget
Wake up and Thrive
Judging Less, Learning More: A Journey Towards Understanding and Connection
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Ever found yourself sitting on the judgement seat, doling out unsolicited advice or critiques without realizing it? What if we could disentangle ourselves from the web of judgments and embrace a path of understanding instead? Join me, Bridget, as we demystify the complexities of judgments and uncover if we're merely judging or stating the truth to those we care about. We'll explore why we judge, how to stop the cycle, and how learning from our judgments can become a catalyst for personal growth. Let's commit to stepping off the judgmental seat together, and usher in an era of observing without judgment.

But our journey doesn't stop there. As we move forward, we turn toward healing and nurturing connections. Acknowledging judgment is the first stride toward closing the chasm it can dig in relationships. We'll explore how to identify judgment, comprehend its power in realigning us, and foster more meaningful connections by communicating without judgment. Our discourse is not about castigation, but about growth and building healthier relationships. Together, we'll strive to judge less and learn more. Tune in and let's embark on this transformative journey.

Book your discovery call here. Bring a relationship struggle to the call, and I will help you see how your stories and judgments for this person are actually about you

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Speaker 1:

Hi, my name is Bridget and welcome to my podcast, wake Up and Drive. I wear a lot of hats, but the ones I'm most proud of are being a sober mom to my four kids, a wife to my best friend, a forever student of life, a registered nurse and a certified life coach. You can usually find me planning and enjoying quality moments with those I love or coaching women on how to do the same. All of our lives are made up of tiny moments, both beautiful and messy. I know we all want more feel good moments, but I believe it's the ones that challenge us that become the catalyst for our growth. That's what we do in this space. We explore everyday moments that we deem hard and, instead of allowing them to keep us stuck, we lean into their lessons and let them wake us up. So if you're ready and willing, i'd love to invite you to come along. All you need is an open mind. It's time. It's time to wake up and thrive. Hello, what is up? Welcome back. My name is Bridget. If we haven't met already, i am so, so glad that you're here. If you're listening to this on the first day, it's published happy Monday. If you're listening to it later in the week. I hope you're having a good week. I really do. The topic we're going to jump into is not a light topic, so I'm sorry for those of you that wanted to start off your week with like an uplifting, inspirational message, because today we're going to dive into judgments and why the heck we judge all the time. So it sounds like a heavy topic, but it's such a juicy one because there's so much fruit in our judgments, meaning we can learn a lot about ourselves and learn where to go in our healing journey. So in this episode I'm going to define judgments. I'm going to talk about how do you know if you're actually in judgment, versus just pointing out the truth to someone you love. We're going to talk about why we really judge, and then I'm going to leave you with some tools on how to stop judging, because nobody wants to. Nobody actively wakes up and says I'm going to be a judge right. Most of the times we are stuck in judgment of other people or of ourselves, and we're not even aware that we're doing it, which, to be honest, is why coaching is so freaking powerful. I can't tell you how many times, as the client, i've come to a call really thinking I'm coming with like facts about so and so in my life, and coaches are really good at gently turning it around, right. That's something I actually think I'm really good at doing with my clients Simply turning it, turning the judgment and learning from the judgment and really like uncovering where that judgment is coming from so that we can actually take responsibility and ownership for our experience. So, yeah, i'm kind of getting ahead of myself, but before we begin, i'd love to invite you to make a commitment and an intention to do one thing Well, actually, to not do one thing. While you're listening to this episode, the one thing I'm going to say is, even after learning all of this, i told you guys, i still judge people and I still catch myself judging myself, and that's okay. We all judge, right, knowing that we should quote, unquote, not judge others And yet we were created in a way that we do judge others. The worst thing you can do So this is the commitment The worst thing you can do is judge your judgments. So I'm going to go to a quote that my one of my mentors in the space she doesn't know she's my mentor, but she is She's the author of the judgment detox, gabby Bernstein And I'm going to quote her. She says the way out of judgment begins when you witness the judgment without judgment. Okay, time to say that again The way out of judgment begins when you witness the judgment without judgment. So in this episode, let's all commit to step off the seat of judgment, meaning we're going to work towards judging people less. We're going to work towards judging ourselves less, right, like that's the goal that we want to try to always be striving for. Instead of judging ourselves, for judging the world around us, instead, we're going to take the seat of witness, and this episode is not meant to condemn you for judging. It's to really understand and get curious about your judgments for your growth, and it's impossible to access curiosity and judgment at the same time. Okay, so let's commit today and right now, as you're listening to this, that we're not going to end it with judgment over how we have shown up in the past, because you only know what you know, and so I'm hoping that this brings a different perspective to your relationships, because I know it did for me. Okay, so let's define judgment. What is a judgment? So, by definition, judgment is our opinion of what we are observing, so it might be about something outside of us. It might be a person, a place or a thing, or maybe it's even ourself, but a judgment is our opinion. It's not truth, right? It's not 100% factual. So if I said the sky is blue, that's not a judgment, that's truth. That's 100% certainty. Right, every single person in the world would agree the sky is blue. Of course, they're always the outliers that just want to argue, right, but that's truth, a judgment. If you have a judgment about someone and while I'm even saying this, just think of the people in your life where you might be so certain, it's true, because you have a lot of evidence in your relationship why they've shown up that way. Right, and so it's valid. It might be valid, but it's most likely a judgment, because if I surveyed every single person in the world, i would find different opinions. That's how you know. It's not truth. And so it makes me think of this quote and I don't know who says this quote, but it's famous We don't see the world the way it is. We see the world the way we are, and the same goes for the people in our world. We see and we judge them based on our lens, which includes our past experiences, our values, our belief system, everything right. So the other really important part of defining judgment is to really understand what judgment does to us in a relationship. By definition, judgment creates separation. So in some cases we're placing the other person as better than us on this big pedestal And then in some cases we put ourselves as being better and we think that they're less than. But either judgment it's not better or worse. It's just important to note that it creates separation. So a lot of times when people are feeling disconnected or they're really feeling lonely or like they're not belonging, one of the first places I'll go to is to really look at their views. They're judgments of other people because so often that keeps us separated. We're either judging them or we're judging ourselves. So that's an important definition and an important indicator that you can be kind of stuck in judgment. Even if you're able to be kind to someone, you actually can't create the connection you want if you're stuck in judgment, if you're feeling sorry for them, if you think you know better or they're doing something wrong. So really really check yourself. If you're like I want this relationship to get better and it's not Well, that's the first place to start. Are you stuck in judgment because it creates a separation, like energetically creates a separation. So let's talk about why we judge. First of all, like I said, we're never going to be in this enlightened state where we're walking around completely judgment-free and we're just totally connected to love, like that's the goal. But we're human and that's the way it was designed. So one of the reasons we judge is because our brain is always trying to make sense of the world, because remember, we've talked about this before on this podcast the number one job of your brain is to keep you safe, and we are linguistic beings, so we use language to make sense of the world. Language in terms of our thoughts, spoken language and judgments. Like that's another way that our brain can help form words, form sentences, form meaning to what's going on around us, why people do the things they do, why we do the things we do, and so that's why we judge. And again, if you're walking down an alley and you see somebody walking past you and you get this instinctual feeling that you're unsafe, and then you have this judgment like they're probably going to hurt me, like that's a judgment We don't know if it's a truth or judgment You turn around and you go and you find safety right. So I want to just explain that or give that example, because, again, don't judge your judgments. Like sometimes judgments are necessary. Sometimes it helps us make sense of the world, it helps keep us safe, it helps us really understand what's for us and what's not for us, and we need judgment to do that. So again, it's not all bad. But the other reason that we judge is is sometimes, when we're judging ourself, so a lot of times what it's doing is an emotion will come up and we aren't comfortable with emotions. You've heard me say this a lot. This is why I coach and I teach and I speak so much on emotions. But one of the things we do to kind of suppress our emotions is judgment. So if we're feeling sad, or maybe we've been, we're really, really angry and we were so yelling at our kids or yelling at our spouse, the worst thing you can do in that situation is judge that emotion. Because when you judge what it's doing is it's, we're doing it for a reason. If we get stuck in judgment, then we don't actually have to explore and feel the emotion right, which feels better in a sense. Clearly this is on like a subconscious level, but I want you to know that when you judge your emotions, what it does, i want you to imagine again I'm like visually showing you this and you can't see, but your emotion comes up. It's coming up and then you judge and it goes right back down. It recycles the emotion. Okay, so that is one of the the biggest things to just be aware of. If you're judging yourself, like what are you actually judging? What really wants to be expressed or come out or be noticed that you're stopping by judging? right? Is it fear? Is it sadness? Is it rejection? Like what is it? So that's one thing, that that's another reason why we judge, and it's another way to use judgment to really understand what's going on under the surface. So then the question really becomes how do you stop? How do you stop judging? And you know it's funny because I'm going to quote Gabby Bernstein here again, because I think it's really, really beautiful what she says And it definitely sounds easier said than done. But she says to begin our journey, the journey of healing judgment and restoring love, we must first recognize that we all have the same problem and we all have the same solution. Our problem is that we're separated from love and the solution is simply to return to love. That's it, you guys right. So, so simple. So if this is the goal in healing judgment, it's to find a bridge right. It's to find a bridge, it's it's a final find, a way to like bridge the gap between because right judgment causes, causes, separation You're either above or below the person you're judging, and so we want to bridge that gap and we want to bring you guys back up to equal playing fields. And so the way that I do this with myself and with my clients is, first of all, recognize the judgment, recognize that you're in this loop and I talked about kind of different ways that you could recognize it. And then again, we're not gonna judge ourselves for judging. We're gonna really ask where in my life do I also show up in this way or do this? So, for example, if you have a spouse this was a big one for me who I'll just give my example So my spouse, i have this judgment that he's on his phone too much and he's not present in our life, now I could argue to him blue in the face that he is on his phone too much, right, but when I stop and ask myself, would every single human being on this planet? agree, the truth is no, because what does too much mean? Who defines that and who gets to be the judge of that? And so, no, i'm totally stuck in judgment, right. And then I go on and I go a little bit further and I'm like he's not present. He's definitely not present to our family. Again, judgment. Not everybody would agree. Some people think he's very present And there are moments where I think he's very present. So again, judgment, judgment, judgment, not truth. So I recognize it. And then I get to ask myself okay, i'm seeing this in him and he is a mirror to me. Every relationship we have is a mirror to us. So what is it that I'm seeing in him that wants to be healed in me? So I ask myself where do I also not show up fully present in my life? Where do I also show up consumed with my phone, social media, my business? And it's like boom, that was me slapping my hand. But it immediately does two things. It puts me and my husband on the same playing field And immediately I get to step out of judgment for him. And this is the tricky part. I don't wanna turn the judgment on myself, but I get to go. Yeah, like yeah, i struggle with staying present as well, and I know deep down I wanna be more present, and so one way to heal that judgment is for me to show up more present in my life, because the more present I am in my life, i won't see him not being present as a pressing issue For me, because in my life I will feel fully present. Does that make sense to you guys? Because I know. For me it was a really hard pill to swallow. The reason I first learned about this was I had emailed my coach and I had emailed oh my God, god bless her. If you haven't listened to the episode where I interviewed my coach, go back and listen, it's the one right before this. But I had emailed her like a two page summary on why this person that we mutually knew was wrong, and It was so funny. I thought I was gonna get like validation, but in return, what I got was well, where in your life Do you also do Exactly what this person did to me? and it was. You know. I was open to receiving the feedback. So that's the first part, but I it definitely was this huge light bulb moment in my life because, of course, of course, that was so painful to me because That's not who I want to be and that's exactly how I was showing up in some of my relationships. So judgment can actually be a really powerful Emotion to again get you back in alignment, get you back connected to love and get you back to showing up like how you want to show up, right, and So, yeah, i'm gonna Leave it at that for this episode. I could really talk for hours and hours about judgment, but I really just want to give you a foundation for you know What judgment is, why we, why we actually judge people and judge ourselves, and how we can bring more recognition to this part of our humanness, because It's perfect, it's beautiful, it's not wrong, but it does keep us separated from the people in our life. Most of most of the time, it's people in our life that we really want to be connected to, and so that in and of itself is a good Enough reason to just look at your judgments. That's the last thing I want to just say. Like, how do you present your observation Versus saying you know how I usually say it, which is Paul, get off your phone like stop, you're not being present. So, in the easy way to do that is really just to say you know, hey, babe, like this is definitely something I'm working on too, right? Because in order to bridge that gap of judgment, you really want to bring some connection. So I'm working on this too. It's a struggle for me to really kind of get off my phone and be fully present, and Just wanted to bring this to your attention that my experience of you lately has been that you've been really distracted. What do you think about that? And so do you see, i'm not Judging, i'm not saying you are this, you're doing this, this is you. I'm saying my experience of you, this is my perception, and I'm totally owning that I could be wrong about this, right? so that's just a really good like a verbiage to use in your relationships, and it's a good way to step out of judgment But yet still share what you're observing and still share your experience of that person. So I hope that was helpful. And, yeah, if it was helpful. What would really be so amazing to me is if you would go on social media or and, and and and post the episode and tag me or send it to your friends and family. I've been doing this, this podcast, for a little over three months now And I'm loving doing it and I realize I'm not the best at kind of getting the word out. So I'm gonna rely on you guys. If you found this valuable, help me out, share it, subscribe, leave a review. And, yeah, i'm just very, very grateful that you guys are here and open and willing to learn this, because it's not easy to do. It's so much easier to stay in blame and judgment And if you've listened to this episode all the way through, then you know You're my people, you're you're the people that are open to really kind of getting back to love, which is our core essence, and once we get back to living more in alignment with that, we're not gonna feel, we're not gonna feel Separation, we're not gonna feel out of alignment, we're not gonna feel out of integrity like it's gonna feel so good in our relationships and our and we have relationships, you guys with everything, not just people like money, our Health, our bodies, the environment, and so stepping out of judgment and into love is just all around. It really is just gonna spill over into all of these relationships. You're gonna feel full and nourished and It's just gonna be a good life. It's gonna be a good life. So I hope this episode was helpful. I hope you can take something and apply it back to your own life. That's really the goal here to really help you live more mindful, live more conscious, live more intentional, right. And the last thing I want to invite you if, while you're listening to this message, you think maybe I'm judging somebody, but still there's this resistance to really letting go of that judgment, you really can't see another way around this. You can't see a way to get back to love, and maybe that's not even love for the other person. That just might be like love. Love is really never about the other person. It's always something you get to feel and receive. So if you're just struggling to let go of anger and resentment and judgment, that is something I am really good at doing. I take women all the time. They will come to a call with some sort of emotional turmoil around a relationship, and sometimes it happens with one call. Sometimes it happens in the course of our time together over six months. But I'm offering you guys a discovery call right Like a one, one and done call, unless you wanted to go on and work some more. But in these calls you can bring a situation with somebody in your life, somebody in your life that you're struggling with, and I can help you move through that so that when you leave the call, the change that you're seeking, you feel empowered to make that change And you no longer feel at the mercy of will this person ever change? Or this person's that or this is that Like this person, will no longer have that hold over your emotions. So if that's something you want, need, yeah, just click the link in the bio, let's set up a discovery call and we'll just kind of go from there. All right, i hope you guys take care. I hope you guys have a great week. I will see you next week.

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